I have been drawn to the story of Gareth Williams, on secondment to MI6, whose body was found in a sports holdall in the bath in his flat in Pimlico. This lunchtime, the coroner has said that we may never really know what caused his death.
Greiving is a hideously inexact science, but it is generally accepted that there are four main stages (Shock, Acceptance, Adjusting and Letting Go). We work through these stages in our own time and in our own way.
But some deaths complicate the grieving process. Unnatural deaths do this, such as murder or accidents. Or deaths where there is lack of closure or proof, such as service personnel missing in action. Gareth’s family and friends are to some extent now in limbo. Their pain is added to by the not knowing. And in the week of the anniversary of the disappearance of Madeleine McCann, her parents too are caught in that agonising limbo of wanting to believe, of not wanting to let go.
Which is better? To be told the horror and start to move on? Or to stay in the unknown, hoping for the best? Our hearts go out to such people forced to experience that choice.
Tags: bereavement, death, Gareth Williams, grief, Madeleine McCann
Just back from another heavenly trip to India – this time to Goa. One third of the state are practising Christians. They celebrate Easter at enormous outdoor masses with up to 5000 people standing for hours on end in the intense heat to worship. Different religions appear to co-exist quite happily in this part of India, with no let up on personal committment to respective faiths.
Intensity of a different kind can be seen on our screens on Sunday evenings in Homeland, a spy drama featuring Claire Danes as a bi-polar CIA operative for Homeland Security. In a promotional clip on You Tube, Claire talks briefly about the way the bi-polar condition needs monitoring but also how it gives her character an intensity to dedicate so much to her job.
Is intensity a good thing or not? Is it just ‘extremeism’ under another name? Or does it mean it focus? Committment? What in our daily lives could we do better if we just threw ourselves into the task – ironing, homework, relationships, politics, hobbies, work project, cooking supper?
Choose one task today and give it your all. No intrusions, no slacking, no Twitter (!). And at the end of the day, see how differently you feel about giving that task your full committment.
Tags: Bi-Polar, Christianity, Claire Danes, committment, Easter, focus, Goa, Homeland, India
Apologies for not posting recently, but I’ve been writing my next novel, set in a psychiatric clinic in New Delhi. A stint in India over Christmas, soon to be repeated over Easter, has left me following events in that country even more closely than usual.
Last week saw the leading Congress party trounced in regional elections, which shows how well democracy thrives ina country of over one billion. But yesterday saw a lively debate on NDTV in connection with International Women’s Day. It’s easy to be cynical about this global event, but India is a country where – despite skyscrapers and technology parks, deluxe tourism and democracy – old traditions die hard. Women in many areas for example are still, once they marry, the property of their husband’s family. They lack a voice.
This clash of the old and the new is what makes India so endlessly fascinating but, as in psychotherapy, we need to pay attention to the voiceless.
Tags: Congress, India, International Women's Day, NDTV, psychotherapy, voice
Happy New Year! I think there’s still enough time this month for me to say that to you. And I must apologise for not posting these past few weeks. I went to India over Christmas to try and finish a draft of my next novel, which at least had the desired effect. Now I just have to see what my agent thinks…
But the whole idea of new year, new you got me thinking as I became aware of how many celebrity couples seemed to announce their separation either as the year closed (Katy Perry & Russell Brand), or as the new one began (Heidi Klum & Seal, Tulisa Contostavlos & Richard ‘Fazer’ Rawson, possibly Jonny Depp & Vanessa Paradis). Certainly, psychotherapists often see a spike in enquiries in January. So what is it about this month?
Even though I love the crisp mornings of January (plus the fact that lots of shops have sales…), some people loathe this month and get very down about it. Some people find the weather depressing, some dislike the contrats between January and the fextive excitement of Christmas. Some people find the prospect of a new year ahead quite daunting. And some people are so exhausted from the year before that they do something radical or dramatic. Some relationship splits can be down to similar factors. Some people might be too focussed on the negatives and want out. Other people might find the high emotion of Christmas too disturbing to the relationship. And yet others might feel energised to change their lives so radically that they kick out their partner.
Maybe a helpful new year’s resolution for all of us, not just celebrities, should be ‘Reflect’ not ‘React’.
Tags: celebrity, Heidi Klum, January, Jonny Depp, Katy Perry, New Year's Resolutions, psychology, Russell Brand, Seal, separation, Vanessa Paradis
The psychology of a recession is a vast topic, so I want to restrict myself to one dimension of it. The essential task of boosting our nation’s self-confidence.
This task is extremely hard to do, especiallly when every news bulletin leads with the crisis in the Eurozone, when unemployment figures keep rising, shops and pubs are closing down and the pre-Christmas crush on Oxford Street seems a little thinner this year. And self-confidence is a fragile thing. But slowly but surely, we should be lifting the spirits to celebrate successes, no matter how small.
You wouldn’t refuse to praise a child just because the painting they bring home from school is no Leonardo da Vinci. News pick-me-ups are vital for our ongoing well-being because they start to boost confidence levels. I was thinking of this when last Saturday, I saw new recruits being escorted around the Peter Jones department store. Hired for the festive season, no doubt. For every person taken on, that is a good news story. It makes them feel good about themselves to have been chosen. More widely, their hiring is a good news story for the department store. Which is also good for its customers and its shareholders – which means your and my pension.
But do we hear about these good news stories? Hardly. But if we did, there would be one more spike of national cheer in an otherwise apparently gloomy period. So, broadcasters and news channels, from now on, make a point of featuring a positive ‘recession’ story: a shop that has opened, jobs created (no matter how few), orders won. This will have a knock-on effect of acting as a morale booster for the nation. And the psychological implications of this will be tremendous.
Tags: Christmas, Leonardo Da Vinci, news, Peter Jones, psychology, recession, shopping
Today the suicide of former cricketer, then cricket commentator Peter Roebuck has tragically been announced. Jumping from his hotel room in Cape Town, he is one in a regrettably long line of cricketers struggling with mental health issues. In the past couple of years I have spoken in the media about both Marcus Trescothick and Michael Yardy whose battles with depression have been well-documented.
Cricket does put very specific pressure on its players. It is the only team sport I know where the emphasis is perversely on your ability as an individual (the goalies in football have similar issues). The loneliness of standing at the crease is in direct contract to the fact that you are meant to be part of a team.
Sledging is also a part of elite cricket and this behavior (when the fielding side barrack the batsman) requires nerves of steel to withstand.
But above all, it is the nature of the modern game of cricket which is putting to much pressure on players and perhaps commentators alike. Modern cricket de-skills you from being an all-round cricketer, turning you instead into an opening bat, a middle-order bat, and seam bowler, or whatever it might be. And cricketers are prone to breakdowns today largely due to the amount of international cricket in the schedule. Excessive touring plays havoc with social and family relationships.
It is for this reason that this sad story about Peter Roebuck should make the ICC wake up. There is simply too much cricket being played and not enough concern about the effect on the mental health of physically fit men. Suicide is about believing you have no other way to communicate your terror or pain. Cricketers need more of a voice.
Tags: cricket, depression, Marcus Trescothick, mental health, mental wellbeing, Michael Yardy, Peter Roebuck, sport, suicide
Many have asked about my recent Comment piece in the Evening Standard, so I am reproducing some of it here:
Sunday lunchtime saw me jiggling my tin at Victoria Underground Station, selling poppies on behalf of the Royal British Legion. I didn’t agree with the war in Iraq and I wish we would pull out of Afghanistan. But this is my second year as a poppy seller and the psychology of who gives money to this cause – and why – intrigues me.
My collecting tin certainly benefitted from the feel-good vibe the morning after many Hallowe’en parties. But two young cockney Goths and a woman with 17 facial piercings also cited Afghanistan as their reason for donating. The soldiers fighting there are their generation. War has become personal, less abstract, again. Which is how I came to be pinning a poppy on a squaddie dressed as a pumpkin. He has four kids and returns to Kandahar next March.
And prospective poppy sellers take note: very few donations are planned. Lots of people think fondly of buying a poppy, but then procrastinate. For these, I relied on a big, permanent smile, and lots of noisy, come-join-the-party tin-shaking. I showed I was having fun, and people seemed to respond positively to that. They gave what they could, and I made sure I thanked them profusely, wishing them a safe onward journey.
What struck me most was that many who gave also wanted conversation. In this era of Twitter, Facebook and eBay, givers of all ages crave the added pleasure of face-to-face human contact. They wanted to tell me their stories; why they were donating; why today.
Tourists wanted to know about the cause. The man from Lagos in a cream linen suit gave 20 quid and discussed the morality of war. With a few, I swapped tales from World War Two. A Canadian told me about her father who served in North Africa with the British Army. An American’s father helped liberate Paris. My father was in a Japanese Prisoner of War camp.
Giving, especially in these economically unsettling times, makes us feel good about ourselves, feel less self-centred. Our inner child is as thrilled with a poppy as we used to be with a going-home party gift. But on Sunday, many gave money without taking a poppy. They just wanted to give. And a few simply wanted the lift/the loo/the exit and made a donation for the answer. I am now a world expert on the Victoria Line.
And in the process I’ve found out some curious facts. Two hours shaking a tin is a better work-out for my incipient bingo wings than the gym. The most smartly dressed people do not give the most money (the gentleman from Lagos excepted). It is not a myth that more men than women will give to a poppy seller wearing a short skirt. And commuters in a desperate hurry will still find time to dig out the coins deep in their pocket.
Wearing a poppy isn’t morbid. It’s not about supporting a war, or endorsing killing. It’s about acknowledging that in all our separate cultural histories there are people out there who have made bigger sacrifices than
we ever could. They sacrifice limbs, their minds, sometimes their lives. And all I’ve done is spent time jiggling my tins, flashing my smile, and being humbled. It’s the least we can all do.
Tags: charity, Help for Heroes, Poppies, Poppy, psychology of giving to charity, Remembrance, Royal British Legion
Primary school age children will from today receive lessons in how to spot air-brushed images in magazines and will be encouraged to think about the way the advertising industry manipulates images. Lynne Featherstone MP has put together an education pack for teachers, with am introduction from one of my psychotherapy heroines (well-known for her work on eating disorders), Susie Orbach.
This education pack is a superb idea, particularly as hopefully it will stimulate debate (among peers outside the school gate as well as in the classroom) about body issues and self-esteem.
At the same time, we must remember that the aetiology of poor self-esteem, and eating disorders or body dysmorphic disorders is extremely complex. Families must show children that love and approval isn’t simply linked to what you look like. And this means Mums not fretting about their own weight in front of the children, or studying the gossip magazines with their unhealthy obsession with celebrity weight loss or weight gain. Have debates in schools, by all means, but recognise that the seeds for poor self worth are often sown early in life.
Tags: advertising, air-brushing, celebrity, eating disorders, Lynne Featherstone MP, media, self-esteem, Susie Orbach
Unicef has produced a report saying guilty parents shower their kids with goods to make up for a lack of so called “quality time”.
But this slightly misses the point. Love isn’t measured in time. It doesn’t take time to be home to read a bed-time story to a child (organisation yes, time no). It doesn’t take time to boil an egg, to watch your child doing a drawing, to go for a walk, to kiss your child or give them a hug.
What the report touches on is our hideously materialistic culture. We imagine that possessing certain items makes us more valuable, they make us feel more worthy, more secure. And we pass this distorted logic onto our children.
Time, then, that we spent time thinking up ways – free ways, mind – to show the kids in our lives that we love them. That’s the challenge.
Tags: gifts, love, materialistic, quality time, time, Unicef
This is my blogpost for The School of Life, an enterprise which offers good ideas for everyday living (www.www.theschooloflife.com):
Hope keeps us going. It’s energizing and motivating. When we want something to happen, we say ‘I hope so.’ We often fear the worst but, through everything, we like to imagine that we hope for the best.
Freud talks about the survival instinct, something that kicks in when things get really rough. And perhaps that’s how hope evolved anthropologically – as a survival strategy to help lead us out of the dark times and on to the sunnier side. Viktor Frankel explored what gives our live meaning and, for many, holding on to hope is what gives life meaning or structure.
But in truth hope is a more complex value. Sometimes patients of mine have long been grappling with an issue in their lives and what lies at the heart of it is the hope that something will be other than it is: I wish my mother loved me more, I wish my brother wasn’t an alcoholic, I hope my child is alive.
I was thinking about this recently with the anniversary of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance. Every parent will understand her parents’ efforts to find her alive. But I also wondered at the downsides of too much hope. Because, occasionally, holding on to hope is not only fruitless (e.g. the person concerned or the situation is not going to/ not able to change) but it causes a distress which borders on the masochistic. It’s a fraught dilemma many of us will recognize: when to keep hoping (about a situation, a relationship, a dream) versus when to let go and move on.
Knowing what is reasonable hope is the key. Not least, because to abandon hope completely, carries with it echoes of Dante’s definition of Hell. Healthy hope acts as a spur to our ambitions, but there must be balance. We see it with nations, as Andy Murray was expected at Wimbledon to carry Britain’s hopes on his admittedly well-toned shoulders. Or in the way hopes are projected onto Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge to save the monarchy/resurrect the British retail industry/cheer us up out of recession/exorcise the ghost of Diana.
Let them be. Let Catherine and Andy be who they will be, instead of weighing them down with our own hopes and fears, dreams and disappointments. If I have one hope for this post, it’s that we are realistic for our own hopes. Or is that, as Samuel Johnson would say, a triumph of hope over experience?
Tags: Andy Murray, anniversary, Dante, Duchess of Cambridge, Freud, hope, Madeleine McCann, Samuel Johnson, survival instinct, The School of Life, Wimbledon
Last night I stood in our tiny London back garden and watched as a blue tit pecked away at a bag of peanuts. I was so close I could see its beak opening and closing as it gobbled its late supper. Five minutes later and we were joined by a male and female blackbird, hopping along our decking. I am surprised to have become a Twitcher. Although I am reliably informed by my mother that my first word was in fact ‘birrr’ while pointing at a robin, I have never really found birds fascinating. Not even in Africa, when game-viewing, where the plumage of bush birds can be quite spectacular.
But last November I felt what can only be described as a nurturing pang. After seeing patients at The Priory, Roehampton, I drove to East Sheen Pet Shop and bought the aforementioned peanut bag, some seeds blended specially to attract song-birds, and half a coconut shell filled with a fatty mixture which looks like caramel ice-cream, but which on smelling definitely isn’t. The lady in the shop told me it would take two weeks for the local birds to get to know about the food – and she was spot on. Two weeks later, to the day, and my first robins appeared, to be followed soon after by a family of four blue tits.
Since then, a dear friend has sent me an iSpy booklet and I have been excitedly ticking off birds I’ve spotted. I’ve taken the book to York for a literary conference, and down to Cornwall on holiday, although local Hyde Park has proved to be the most abundant source of ticks. But nothing beats standing in your own garden – and ours is barely the size of a pocket handkerchief – and listening to the evening sounds of the blackbird calling or seeing the flit of small birds between the trees. Many of my 40-something friends have become similarly captivated: one leaves crumbs on the sill of her kitchen window for a female thrush; another has recently taken up membership of Barnes Wetlands.
But above all, it’s the simplicity of feeding birds which delights me. In fact I’d go so far as to say it’s been therapeutic. The recession may have put pay to all sorts of activities for all sorts of people, but seeking out life’s simplest pleasures can be disproportionately rewarding.
Tags: Barnes Wetlands, blackbird, blue tit, East Sheen Pet Shop, Hyde Park, recession, robin, Simple pleasures, The Priory Hospital, therapeutic, Twitcher, Twitching
Well, it’s 42 degrees in Delhi’s political capital and I feel very warm and cosseted. Maybe I lived in South Asia in a former life, for I am even eschewing air-conditioning when riding around in the auto-rickshaw tuk-tuks. And of course I’m indulging in plenty of hot n’ spicy Indian food – of which more in a later post, I hope.
But above all I am trying to work. Some of the time I’m researching for my next novel which will be set in India. And some of the time I’m helping out at a psychiatric clinic
The work at the clinic starkly raises the question of ‘what is mental illness?’. Here in India, there is still the sense that if you are physically or mentally unwell this is so because of your misdemeanours in a past life (for Indians, rebirth and karma are real and vital, not abstract constructs to joke about). And if this is the case, then there is little point in seeking treatment because your condition, your suffering, is your destiny.
In the West, we tend to assume that our diagnoses are the only possible options for the way a patient feels. And yet here in India I am starkly reminded of how different cultures do things, well, differently. And to ask myself – does that make our way ‘right’ and their way ‘wrong’? If you give someone a diagnosis in the UK, some would argue that you run the risk of labelling them for life, and not always in a helpful way. You might be pathologising. But if you don’t regard a certain constellation of symptoms as an illness, say bi-polar or schizophrenia, if your society doesn’t recognise them as conditions deserving of treatment, what are the longterms risks then?
I was chatting about this to a physiotherapist at the weekend, in a noisy bar while the men watched the IPL cricket final. She agreed that in India, educating people about ways to improve their health – or getting people into treatment at all – is an ongoing issue. And I was reminded of efforts back in the UK earlier this month, by the mental health charity MIND, to remind people about the imperative to challenge the ongoing stigma of mental health in the workplace. Despite the differences between our two countries, the message in both places would seem to be the same: we can’t be complascent.
Tags: Bi-Polar, destiny, diagnosis, India, karma, mental health, Mind charity, New Delhi, past life, psychiatry, rebirth, schizophrenia, South Asia, suffering
I’ve spent the day dashing between TV and radio stations to speak about Bi-Polar Disorder. This was prompted by the news that the Hollywood actress Catherine Zeta Jones has spent five days receiving treatment for the condition. Most people hearing of the story could make the leap that having had a difficult year (Catherine’s A-list husband Michael Douglas was treated last year for cancer) Zeta-Jones has possibly been struggling. The episode makes sense, even to the layman.
But as well as talking about the disorder, its possible causes and its treatment, I was asked in every interview whether a celebrity going public is ever anything more than publicity. Is it ever, the interviewers wanted to know, a good thing?
To which I gave a resounding YES! When people in the public eye speak of having a mental illness they are helping in a variety of ways. They are helping people with the condition to feel not so alone. They are helping to de-stigmatize the condition, and make it easier for other people to come forward. They are alerting the world that having a mental illness doesn’t have to mean that you cannot function in the world, which is a stance which challenges prejudice. And they are alerting sufferers who may not yet have sought treatment, to do so. Bi-Polar II for example is entirely treatable and Catherine Zeta-Jones’s revelations have highlighted this.
I wish her and her family well during this challenging time, and I thank her profusely for drawing the spotlight onto the world of mental health.
Tags: Bi-Polar, Bi-Polar II, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michael Douglas, prejudice, psychiatry, psychotherapy, stigma
Ok, so yesterday was The Budget day and commentators were predicting doom and gloom. But outside, it was gloriously sunny and for once I was finding it hard to take seriously the talk of austerity. In my minuscule garden (more a pocket handkerchief, really) I was loving watching the blue tits flitting about gathering bits and bobs for their nests. The rosemary plants were bursting into bud. And I was on my way to Leicester Square for the Prince’s Trust Celebrate Success Awards 2011.
The awards celebrate young people who with the help of the Trust have turned their lives around. Each of the award nominees had come to London not only for the ceremony but also to have their hair and make-up done courtesy of L’Oreal, and to meet the numerous celebrity ambassadors of the Trust. And yes, it was fun to discover that Cheryl Cole is very pretty in real life, that Professor Brian Cox is very tall and looks good in blue, that Christine Bleakley cannot walk in what looked like 9 inch heels, and that HRH The Prince of Wales can be a good sport when ordered off the stage by a pop star.
But the highlight of the afternoon were the 2 minute films made about each nominee: young men and women who had overcome abuse, drugs, poor educational achievements, prison, bereavement or disability to make something of themselves. Whether it was setting up a riding school, taking an exam, opening a teashop or grieving for a dead father, the stories these people told were heart-warming and inspirational. The Princes Trust, L’Oreal and the Ambassadors all believe that anyone, whatever their age, with help and support can be the best they can be.
Mahatma Gandhi spoke of the need to keep our thoughts and words and behaviour and habits and values positive – because therein lies your destiny. Seek out the feel good moments of your day, appreciate what you have not what you don’t have, and cherish the moment.
Tags: austerity, Celebrate Success Awards 2011, Cheryl Cole, Christine Bleakley, HRH The Prince of Wales, Mahatma Gandhi, mindfulness, Prince's Trust, Professor Brian Cox, The Budget
I’ve been asked a lot recently about how to talk to your children about the difficult events taking place in both Tunisia/Egypt/Libya/Bahrain/Yemen, and in Japan.
The one thing I’d advise against is trying to pretend to your child that these events are of no consequence. Remember that children pick up a lot of information (from TV, from overheard conversations) that they cannot necessarily make sense of. They ask questions but are sometimes ignored. And sometimes adults simply make a decision not to tell a child about something, thinking that ignorance is bliss. Talking to your child is essential. Children get far more worried about rumour and gossip than about facts which are carefully explained by someone they love and trust.
Make what you say age appropriate, and allow for the fact that questions may be asked repeatedly over a period of time. Particularly with events being shown hour after hour, for days on end, like the Japanese Tsunami, explain that this event has happened just the once. Talk about the positives of an event like this, such as the buildings in Tokyo which have stayed upright, or the stories about successful rescues. Use this event to talk to your child about safety measures at home or school, and, if old enough, show your child how to call 999 or to get in touch with a trusted neighbour. Pay attention to the child’s play or the reporting of dreams in case there are themes there about fear or lack of safety. If your child seems interested in helping, talk about places where you can donate money or goods to the rescue teams, so that your child doesn’t feel helpless in what can seem like a helpless situation. And at all times seek to reassure your child.
Tags: children, earthquake, Egypt, fear, Japan, Japanese Tsunami, Libya, safety, trauma, trust, Tsunami, Tunisia
Hmmmmmm. So, I’m thinking back to last Friday, when my husband and I were preparing a meal for two guests and looking forward to their arrival. Their RSVP had been, shall we say, tardy, as was their reply about any allergies. At that point I maybe should have twigged that they didn’t want to come. But my husband had met the chap during a pleasant day on the golf course and they live in our ‘hood, so it all sounded nicely low-key and dandy.
In short, they arrived late, didn’t bring anything – no wine, no chocs, not even a flower stem – and so far, 6 days later, haven’t sent so much as a text to say thanks. Now the absence of wine I can handle (I don’t drink, and in any case, as hosts its part of what you shower on your guests). And as I don’t like chocolate I’m not exactly beating my breast about that one. But to arrive for a supper cooked by a woman you’ve never met, you’d think they would have brought something: a token, a gesture.
But what annoys me more is the lack of thanks. A card would have been lovely, an email bearable, a text cursory but at least they would have done their duty. But nothing, zero, nada. Of course, if something feels like a duty, our subconscious often rebels. But what happened to good manners?
Is it a cultural thing? A friend of mine from another race dislikes being presented with a gift for her supper parties. She wants the absence of a gift to emphasise the friendship. But this stumps me every time I go there for supper because the part of me wanting to thank her for her hospitality with a gift conflicts with the part of me that knows she hates it. I no longer take something (I did once take an empty Harvey Nichols bag, as a self-conscious joke) but I feel rude.
So what’s it to be? Should my pleasure be in the hosting alone, the great enjoyment I get from cooking for others the reward in itself? Or do I text them today and query whether they’ve had food poisoning?
Tags: duty, etiquette, food, friendship, good manners, supper
As we watch the elegant people sashay down the red carpet at The Oscars, take cheer from the idea that it’s not frivolous be to interested in beautiful people, beautiful images. Our desire to make things beautiful has an exceptionally long pedigree. Beauty is not superficial, it is a silent language giving out strong and powerful messages with psychologically charged significance. Beauty taps in to our deep need to belong, to be part of the group, the gang. It also helps us stand out a little from the group, which deep down is part of our drive to survive. We want to mate with the best looking specimen of the species to ensure the survival of our genes. Beauty is about play, about fantasy, about fun, but it’s also about power, seduction and survival. And there’s nothing frivolous about that.
Tags: beauty, fantasy, psychology of beauty, The Oscars
Now I know what it must feel like to be about to walk down the red carpet at tonight’s Oscars. Ok, so I don’t like to think that I’m vain, but tomorrow I am due to speak at a snazzy Beauty Industry breakfast, where the audience will be full of Beauty Editors from the kinds of upscale magazines even I, in my hermit-like novelist state, have heard of (Vogue, Marie Claire, Harpers, not to say my own lovely Psychologies). And while normally I wouldn’t worry about stepping out of the house without make-up (applying make-up has never been my strong suit, and you know what they say about lack of practice) I do just worry that I might be the only ungroomed person in the room.
It reminds me of when people find out I’m a psychotherapist and they assume (incorrectly, as it happens) that I am at that moment reading their mind. Knowing I’m about to stand in front of lots of people who write each day about beauty and make-up, I am stricken with terror that the wrinkles I’ve lived with for years, the colour of my mascara – which I have also lived with for years – even my haircut, will be under silent and severe scrutiny. Forget nerves about my speech, suddenly I’m highly anxious about what I look like.
Hence today’s trip to the hairdressers (thank heavens for Headmasters Victoria, and their Sunday opening) and the eyebrow threader – not least because beautifying ourselves makes us feel confident and in control. With make-up or other beauty rituals, we acquire an aura of confidence. Because, as someone somewhere once said, We’re Worth It.
Tags: confidence, Harpers, Marie Claire, Psychologies magazine, psychology of beauty, red carpet, The Oscars, Vogue
I have just returned from a Reading Weekend. That’s reading as in books, not Reading as in near Slough.
But a Reading Weekend… Its very existence, the need for such an apparent luxury, is perhaps a sad commentary on our times. That our lives are so busy, so frenetic, that we should consciously need to create space in which to read.
These heavenly weekends http://readingweekend.co.uk/are the brainchild of Damian Barr – Salonista, Wit, super-host and owner of some jazzy striped pyjamas – and are held in the breathtaking Sussex countryside at Tilton House. Tilton is a treat in itself http://tiltonhouse.co.uk/, being a gorgeous Georgian property five minutes walk from the Bloomsbury hangout, Charleston http://www.charleston.org.uk/. I fell totally in love with Tilton, and if I wasn’t such a London girl would move in permanently.
The weekend is extremely chillaxed (see ref to Damian’s PJs above). Log fires, a funny dog called Barclay, beautifully-maintained gardens, bottles of damson gin and divine food all compete for your attention. But I did managed to read the whole of Edmund de Waal’s The Hare with the Amber Eyes, make new friends (including with Laura Lockington, author of the wonderfully funny memoir Cupboard Love) and spent Saturday evening listening to writer Geoff Dyer read his hilarious short-story about the perils of picking up a hitch-hiker.
But seriously, a weekend set aside for reading? I loved every single minute, but on the train back I couldn’t help feeling wistful for a time when reading was just something we did, not something we have to diarise. In books we can escape, explore, confirm and play – all vital activities for our ongoing wellbeing. The author Philip Womack has recently conducted a kind of survey http://philipwomack.blogspot.com/ to check that people are still reading books on the underground. They are – phew! – so all is not lost, but perhaps it’s not too late to make a new year’s resolution to read more from books each week, not just save it up for magical but rare weekends in Sussex.
Tags: Bloomsbury, Damian Barr, Edmund de Waal, escape, Geoff Dyer, Laura Lockington, Lewes, Philip Womack, reading, Sussex, The Hare with the Amber Eyes, Tilton House
